I couldn’t help it. I was in 8th grade and I had to have one. An Epiphone Les Paul Goldtop would be mine. But why gold? I don’t even like gold….as a precious metal it does nothing for me. I would never drive a gold car. I hated that obsessive prospector with the funky mustache in the old Rudolph Christmas Special.

So why? I have no idea. There’s just something about them. They’re classic. They’re sexy. They’re….I dunno. They just are.

But, just as there are laws to be followed lest ye be thrown in prison, there are rules to be followed with gold guitars (and basses) lest ye look like a tremendous wanker:

1. Stay away from sparkle finishes and other embellishments. Keep it simple (exhibit A). Every once in a while you can get away with a sparkle finish if it’s a funky retro sort of deal (a la some recent Italia models), but under no circumstances should you do anything else to trick out your gold guitar. It’s gold. It doesn’t need to be any more fabulous than it already is, or else you run the risk of being laughed off stage for playing something akin to (exhibit B).

2. NO GOLD HARDWARE. The guitar is gold. Chrome hardware is all you need. I found an article online about another gold guitar enthusiast in Belgium, who loves them so much he has five custom Gibsons. They all also have sparkle finishes, but he’s forgiven because they’re classic shapes that can handle the extra shine. He should be commended for his efforts, but three of the five have gold hardware! No. No. No. No. No. And while we’re on the subject….

3. White or cream pickguards only, please. To compound the fug factor, the three offending instruments mentioned above also have black pickguards. It’s too heavy. It just doesn’t work. Don’t do it.

4. Unless you’re an Eighties Metal God who somehow stumbled upon Dr. Emmett Brown’s Delorean and blasted into 2006 with your instrument, there is no reason for you to be caught holding a white guitar with gold accoutrements.

5. There are two exceptions to rule number four. The beautiful, elusive Gretsch White Penguin, and its more curvaceous cousin, the White Falcon.

So there you go. Follow those rules, and you should have yourself a spam-dandy gold guitar experience. Just for poops and giggles, I’m including a pic of the uber-cool Epiphone Comet. And since this is hollowbodyBASS.com, I will leave you with this as well, the Epiphone Jack Casady, the sexiest goldtop hollowbody bass in existence. Commence with the drooling.